How "attuned" are you in your relationship? If you are not sure what "attuned" or "attunement" means - don't worry. It's a fancy word for "paying attention" to yourself as well as your partner.
The "how to" become "attuned" takes nothing more than being curious, paying attention, being open, asking questions, and trying your best to show up and accommodate each partner(s) wants and needs.
I wanted to share examples and prompts to think/reflect around the concept of attunement.
The objective, for yourself, is to practice being curious and pay attention to identify what attunement may look/feel/mean for you, as well as your partner. Think of the exercise as orienting yourself to what you need/want and becoming attuned to those wants/needs in your partner as well.
Possibly, for you, the more you understand about what these look/feel like, in yourself and your partner, will eventually lead to breaking a pattern or cycle of conflict/disappointment/shame.
I've shared examples of "topics" that relationships tend to assume they both "just know and understand" or struggle to "get on the same page with. " Please note, these topics take time to discuss and you should practice sharing and building a mutual understanding over time.
Common Topics May Include:
- Responsibilities|Chores|Division of Labor
- Money|Finances
- Connection|Intimacy
- Activities|How to Play Together
- Children|Parenting
- Electronics|Screen Time
- Food|Meals
- Religion|Spirituality|Culture
- Trauma|Grief
- Boundaries|Limits
- Emotional Styles
- Communication Preferences
- Values|Beliefs
Examples of prompts to consider:
"For me, attunement looks/feels/sounds like/takes place when one or many of the following occur...."
- Hearing Compliments when I do...
- Being Validated for my effort when I...
- Receiving Encouragement for trying something new...
- Holding Discussions During This Time of The Day/Week about "x" topic...
- Having Discussions at This Place/Location is Helpful to discuss "x"...
- When Others Voices/Tone are Soft...
- When There are No Distractions...I.e., phones, TV's, pets, etc.
- When Others Witness What I Have to Say vs. Trying to Fix My Experience...
- When Others Sit w/ me...
- When Others are Open to My Ideas...
- When Others are Willing to Accomodate My Needs...
- When Others are Curious and Use the Magic Words: "Tell Me More", "Help Me Understand", "I'm Curious", "I Notice", etc.
- When Someone Holds My Hand or Provides a Hug During a Difficult Conversation...
- When I Walk/Talk With Someone...
- When Someone Shares a Sensitive Topic w/ Me...
- Knowing We Will Talk Soon..
- Knowing I Won't be Yelled at...
- Knowing Someone Will Not Curse at Me...
"For me, I become dysregulated and feel misunderstood/not heard when one or many of the following take place..."
- I Haven't Had Time to Transition From Work or Other Activities...
- I Am Surprised and Become Defensive by a Conversation or Topic...
- When Sensitive Topics About Family/Friends/Trauma/Etc. are Discussed...
- I Am Told How I Feel...
- I Am Cursed At...
- When Someone Throws or Hits Things...
- When Someone's Emotions Get Big and Loud...
- When Someone Points Their Finger At Me...
- When Someone Walks Away and Leaves Me...
- When Someone Doesn't Reflect Any Emotions Back...
- I Am Asked to Talk During This Time of the Day/Week...
- I Am Asked to Talk at This Place/Location...
- I Am Called Out or Blamed/Criticized For a Mistake/Action...
- I Haven't Had a Chance to Eat...
- I Haven't Had a Restful Night's Sleep...
- I Am Triggered by Others Behavior/Actions from Previous Life Experiences...
Becoming "attuned" with our partner takes time, takes practice, and takes curiousity! Therefore, be curious about yourself and be curious about your partner...
