Anger gets a bad rap. But anger itself isn’t the issue. It’s what anger is covering that matters.
Why Anger Shows Up First?
For many men, anger is: Familiar, Acceptable, and Accessible. Said another way, it's easy to express. Although, underneath anger is often: Hurt, Fear, Rejection, and Shame. Those emotions feel: Less controllable, Less acceptable, and More vulnerable. Said another way, those are hard to express.
So the system defaults to anger.
Anger as Protection
Think of anger as a protective layer. It shows up to: Create distance, Restore control, and Avoid deeper discomfort.
The Problem Isn’t Anger, It’s Staying There
When anger is the only accessible emotion then often conversations escalate quickly, others feel attacked or shut out, and the real issue never gets addressed.
The Shift for "Doing Different"
Instead of asking: “How do I stop being angry?”
Ask: “What is this anger doing for me?”
Practice
Next time you notice anger begins to build or if it shows up reactively, try to sneak in some reps and practice "THE PAUSE" and "CHECK IN":
- What just happened?
- What am I thinking about it?
- What am I experiencing?
- What is this doing for me?
- What might I be feeling underneath this?
Remember! The first wave of emotion is not always the actual emotion that needs to be addressed. Build skills to manage the first wave of emotion then practice patience and curiousity to understand the underlying experience.
Example
- Trigger: A car cuts you off in traffic.
- State: Anger switches on and you may scream out loud “This is ridiculous.”
- Behavior: Honk the horn or make a gesture towards the driver.
- OR try the alternative....
- Practice: "The Pause" to down regulate the initial reaction.
- Practice: "Checking In."
- Practice: Being curious to identify what's going on beyond the initial wave.
- Discover: Underneath you may find - “I feel disrespected.” Or, “I’m afraid I don’t matter here.”