There’s an unspoken rulebook many boys, adolescents, and men grow up with. Call it the “Guy Code.” Many were explicitly or implicitly exposed to the rules. Sort of understudies to the norms and behaviors within the environments we were exposed to.
The Rules
- Don’t show weakness
- Don't be soft
- Handle it yourself
- Fit in
- Don't be different
- Stay in control
- Be the aggressor
- Dominate others
- Don’t talk too much about feelings
- Feelings show weakness
- No mercy
These rules aren’t explicitly taught but they’re reinforced everywhere.
The Conflict
The rules often become coded in our thoughts, feelings and actions. They become the default way of showing up. Although, the result may not be what we anticipate. We may experience moments where we experience conflict with others in how we think or act. Which then may create a conflict internally - "Am I doing something wrong?"
Emotional intelligence requires:
- Awareness
- Effort
- Expression
- Vulnerability
- Reflection
- Reinforcement
- Courage
Which directly contradicts the historical code.
The Result
Men are often caught in the tug of war - who they thought they were supposed to be versus what being emotionally intelligent and showing up in a healthy relationship actually look and act like.
Doing Different
What if understanding how to show up was modeled like:
- Staying present in discomfort
- Expressing without exploding
- Being transparent and setting healthy boundaries
- Having the courage to ask for forgiveness
- Taking accountability for unproductive actions and behaviors
- Listening without jumping in to fix
- Standing up for others
The Metrics of Success
This isn’t about abandoning the “Guy Code.” It’s about evolving it into healthy and productive metrics of success. Being a "Guy" is not bad. Operating by a healthy, productive, and emotionally intelligent "Code" is what makes a "Great Guy."
From:
- Ignorance to Awareness
- Control to Collaboration
- Silence to Transparency
- Independence to Community
- Shame to Courage
- Bully to Buddy
- Withdrawal to Connection
- Sadness to Joy
- Incongruent to Authentic
The Practice
Ask yourself: “How do I want to show up?”