Someone you care about is upset.

• They start talking.
• Explaining.
• Sharing what’s wrong.

And almost immediately, your mind goes to:

• Solutions
• Mansplaining
• Advice
• Ways to fix it

That instinct isn’t wrong. It’s just incomplete.

Where Fixing Comes From

For many men, value has been tied to hard skills:

• Solving problems
• Being useful
• Taking action

So when someone brings up an issue, the response is: “How do I make this better?” A solution-oriented mindset.

The Problem

Most emotional conversations aren’t asking for solutions.

They’re asking for the soft skills:

• Understanding
• Validation
• Presence

When fixing shows up too quickly, it can feel like:

• “You’re not hearing me”
• “You’re minimizing this”
• "You're mansplaining again..."
• “You’re trying to move past it”

The Shift: From Fixing to Listening

Listening isn’t passive. It's emotion-focused.

It’s active, intentional, and often harder than solving.

A Framework

When someone shares something emotional, try this:

1. Listen: Let them finish without interrupting (Be a witness to their experience)

2. Pause: Remind yourself to shift to an emotion-focus. (Soft skills)

3. Validate: Try something like...“That makes sense” or “I can see why you’d feel that way”

4. Repeat Back: “So you felt frustrated when that happened?” (This confirms - I'm listening)

5. Clarify Your Role: Check-in and understand - “Do you want support or solutions right now?” or "How can I show up for you in this moment?"

Why This Works

It does two things:

• Honors the person's experience(s) and desire to be heard.
• Your focused and attentive presence implies you see them.
• Your reciprocal engagement gives clarity on what’s actually needed.

What It Sounds Like

Instead of: “You should just..." or “Why didn’t you…”

Try: “That sounds really frustrating” or “I get why that stuck with you”

The Reality

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do…is be present.

• No fixing.
• No solving.

Just being there. Witnessing their experience.

Practice

Next time someone shares something:

• Don’t offer a solution right away.
• Pause the instinct to "fix."
• Ask - "How can I show up at this moment for you?"
• Reflect back what you heard to confirm - "I hear you" and "I see you."

It only takes one sentence to shift the entire interaction.

The Goal

You don’t stop being someone who solves problems.

You become someone who knows when not to.

If this pattern shows up in your relationship, this is exactly the kind of work we focus on learning how to stay present, listen, and respond in a way that builds connection.

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