As a therapist, the subject of sex comes up often. I’m frequently asked, “can you fix him/her?”, “how did I get this way?” “Is that normal?” I also get asked a lot, “how do I get him/her to want me?” While I would love to use my magic wand every time, I try to reserve that special power for rare occasions.
While I don’t actually have a magic wand, I do have a secret to unlock sexual gridlock.
The secret to your Sexccess is twofold. First and foremost, it’s about being kind to yourself, respecting your body, and loving yourself! Secondly, it’s about knowledge. How is that a secret? How will that help you? The key to finding Sexccess starts with you, as an individual learning to extend kindness, respect, and love towards yourself. To do that, you need to begin with gathering knowledge and breaking down false narratives about yourself, the body, and sex.
Knowledge about the body is critical. When it comes to the subject of sex I suggest to both individuals and couples to start from the beginning. When I say beginning, I mean let’s talk about the biology of the body and how the parts function. I prefer to get an understanding of how much or how little my clients know, understand, and are comfortable speaking about the body. I want to understand how much she knows about his parts and how much he knows about her parts.
While we discuss the body and all its splendid parts, a narrative usually begins to reveal itself. The influences and messaging from our life, such as past trauma, shame, moral beliefs, faith-based principles, health knowledge, media, social circles, and community, etc. begin to color the conversation.
Upon further discussion about the body, how it functions, and how his and her parts are not-so-different we discover many moments where a series of false narratives from so many life influences have colluded together to form a sex-negative perspective.
To enable yourself to be kind, respect, and love your body it’s imperative that you understand that you’re not “broke” rather you’re “unique” and very “normal.” You’ve been influenced, whether you know it or not, by a number of factors that have shaped the way you see yourself and how that translates into how you function sexually.
Breaking down false narratives and learning the facts about his and her body is empowering. Which is why I highly suggest to my clients to gather knowledge and information from professional sources.
To do that, I enlist the help of other professional providers, as needed, to support couples and individuals in a holistic way. In addition, I regularly offer researched based resources to enable client’s effort to expand their knowledge. One suggestion includes the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Her book is a dynamic read that informs and empowers both women and men. The book debunks several false sexual narratives while also providing insights into how the human body functions.
For my clients, leveraging a holistic approach, as well as, becoming informed through other resources such as “Come As You Are”, has enabled their relationship to prosper. Instead of internalizing shameful false narratives and avoiding the love of their partner they have adopted new concepts and found ways to become safe, connected, and satisfied.
The secret to your Sexccess starts with you through building knowledge and a sex-positive outlook that is grounded in being kind to yourself, respecting your body, and loving yourself!