Most emotional reactions happen fast. Too fast.
Something is said. Your body reacts. And before you know it, you’ve said something you didn’t mean or done something you didn't want to. Maybe even shut down completely.
What’s Actually Happening
Your nervous system is doing its job. Consider the nervous system like a smoke alarm. It's job is to notice. To detect real and perceived threats.
It can detect and interpret threats as disrespect, pressure, conflict, disappointment, misaligned jokes, bullying, non-verbal signals, etc.
And it often responds by initiating the following common reactions: Fight (anger), Flight (avoidance), Freeze (shutdown), or Fawn (pleasing others).
This all happens in seconds.
The Problem Isn’t the Response
The challenge is: There’s no space between the trigger and the response.
That’s where things often escalate.
A Strategy Is "The Pause"
You don’t need to eliminate the reaction. You need to try to anticipate the trigger or the cue and find what works for you to interrupt it. Start with "The Pause."
What "The Pause" Looks Like
It’s simple although not easy. Building and practicing self-attunement (awareness) and understanding your cues and triggers that initiate unproductive reaction(s) are the pre-cursor for experiencing success when practicing "The Pause."
- Pause - Don’t respond immediately
- Breathe - Short breath in then release a long exhale or long extended sigh
- Notice - Focus your attention on what’s happening in your body? (tight chest, heat, tension,etc.)
- Name It - (out loud) “My nervous system is worked up” or “This is hitting something for me." Something as brief as saying "Ouch" outloud can be enough.
- Respond - With the thoughts or actions that will enable you to down regulate, stay present, and show up as desired.
An important step in establishing this process is identifying the alternative thoughts and/or actions beforehand. Visualizing how you want to show up and respond in the moment matters. The more reps you get in visualizing what you will do before the moment occurs will determine how well you execute in the moment.
How It Works
That short pause and shift in focus to your body disrupts the nervous system from escalating into a dysregulated state. The pause begins to reduce emotional intensity. The 90 seconds that occurs may then return you to a state where you can access choice versus ride the reaction.
Without it, you’re reacting.
With it, you’re responding.
What to Say in the Moment
As needed, translate outloud to yourself and others what you need:
- "I'm feeling it to heal it."
- “Give me a moment.”
- “I want to respond, not react.”
- "My nervous system is chirping."
- "I need to walk the emotion out of me."
- “Let me think about that for a minute.”
This isn’t avoidance. This is building communication skills that translate to others - "I'll be okay."
Practice
Start small. Identify a common time, place, or person you tend to react to. Rehearse (Visual) how you want to navigate the moment. See yourself practicing "The Pause." Tell yourself what you will say outloud. Tell yourself how you will respond.
Then, next time you feel even slightly triggered in the moment - Practice "The Pause" even if it's for 3–5 seconds. Take a breath in. Then a long exhale out.
Build from there.
The Goal
